TNZKMA 121

１２１

 

I looked down and stared at my hands. I matched my fingers together, rubbed them, and touched my knees, then looked up at the tree again.

[It really is you, Mom. Because your voice is the same.]

The tree, or rather my mom, didn’t say anything. But the thin branches at the tips of the thick branches swayed gently.

[Mom… are you angry?]

[Why?]

The voice, though slightly nasal, answered.

[I’m not sure. I just thought you might be angry. Am I making you angry by coming to a place like this? This place feels like a special place, right?]

In the center of the square was Mom’s tree, and surrounding it, as if to protect it, were the thick trees encircling the square. Unlike other trees that were lined up and only separated by their branches touching, Mom’s tree stood alone, not touching any other tree.

It’s right in the middle of the circular square.

[I wonder if it’s wrong for someone like me to step in here.]

It felt like a sacred place.

[I think I’ll wait for Saine outside after all.]

I stood up, feeling like I might get scolded if I stayed here. But just as I was about to start walking, the roots of Mom’s tree held me back again.

[No. Stay here.]

[But…]

[No one will come, and I won’t scold you. I’m just being punished.]

[Punished? Why is Mom being punished?]

[Why, you ask… It’s obvious. Because I… killed you.]

Mom’s tree stiffened with a sharp, cracking sound.

[Because you killed me, you’re being punished? Why? I don’t think anything of it. It was just a little mistake. Neither you nor Dad are to blame. The one at fault is me.]

[You’re not to blame.]

[No, I am. The day after that, I was going to go on an adventure. I should have gone that day instead of waiting until the next. It was my fault that things turned out the way they did.]

I should have left right after school that day. If I had, no one would have been hurt.

[I’m sorry, Mom…]

I hung my head and sighed. Something heavy was placed on my head. Looking up, it was Mom’s branch.

[Mom, you’re heavy…]

The branch on my head grew heavier. I gritted my teeth and tried to lift it with both hands.

[You’re such a fool.]

[I know.]

Mom often called me a fool. I was very aware of it, so it didn’t bother me much.

[Really, you’re such a fool. No matter how you think about it, we’re the ones at fault. There’s no way the child who was killed is to blame when the parents are the ones who killed them.]

The weight suddenly disappeared, and the branch returned to its original position. I sat facing Mom.

[But really, you’re not to blame. So, I think you don’t need to be a tree anymore. Who do I ask to fix this? Who should I beg to help you?]

[…I don’t know.]

The voice sounded indifferent.

[Mom, when did you become like this? And did you also reincarnate?]

[What’s reincarnation?]

[I don’t really understand it either, but that’s what it’s called. It’s like being in a different world. You die over there and find yourself in this world. That’s what they call reincarnation.]

[Hmmm, I don’t really get it, but maybe that’s it. I thought I had died and then ended up like this.]

[So, you’ve reincarnated then. Oh, and I reincarnated too.]

When I pointed at myself and said that, Mom’s branch swayed.

[Of course, it’s obvious.]

Mom’s tree laughed heartily.

Hearing Mom laugh made me happy, and I laughed along with her.

[My reincarnation was called by a priest. They performed a ritual to summon me. I wonder if that’s the same for you, Mom.]

[Who knows?]

[If I ask the priest who summoned you to send you back… oh, that won’t work. Since you’re dead over there, even if they send you back, you’d just end up in your grave. Hmm, it would be nice if at least you could be turned into a person. I didn’t realize there were failures in such rituals.]

[You haven’t changed at all.]

[Changed how?]

[Like that—thinking out loud. That’s just like Masaya.]

[Dad? Where is Dad?]

I had a feeling that Dad might have reincarnated along with Mom. But if so, then they’d both be reincarnation failures. Ugh, that’s awful. Both parents being failures. Actually, the whole family might be failures.

[He’s probably around somewhere. You should have met him already. He came to report to me looking quite pleased.]

[Really? I met Dad? So, is Dad one of those moving trees?]

[No, no. He’s turned into a bug. A big bug. He’s also being punished.]

A big bug—there was one that came to mind.

[Could it be the black armored bug?]

[Yes, that’s right.]

Mom burst into laughter.

[I wonder why he’s being punished. Who’s punishing him?]

[Like I said, it’s because he killed you…]

[Yeah, but that’s okay. I’m not angry. Sure, it was scary and painful, but it’s fine now. Besides, because you and Dad did that, I got to meet Saine. So, thank you!]

I was a bit embarrassed to say thank you to Mom, so I said it quickly.

[…I always thought you were pitiable for that, even as a parent.]

Mom said with an awkward tone.

[What do you mean?]

[How should I put it? Hmm, you were a child who didn’t get angry much. Even if I hit you, you’d cry and look at me with scared eyes. But after a little while, you’d smile as if nothing had happened. With your face all swollen, you’d smile brightly. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with you. Masaya and I talked about it. But you were just a child who couldn’t hold onto bad feelings.]

I thought about it but didn’t quite understand, so I decided to just laugh it off. I figured that no one understands themselves better than they do.

[If Mom’s being punished, then I should be punished too. After all, I ruined your lives.]

If I hadn’t been born, Mom and Dad wouldn’t have had to kill a child. They might have had a happy life.

Children are greatly desired in this world, but that wasn’t the case in the world over there. At least, that wasn’t the case for me.

Many things happened, but it all started with my birth. If I ever got to see Mom and Dad again, I wanted to apologize for that.

 

TN: No child should ever have to think like the MC did about his existence. How big of a failure must the parents be to torture the poor thing to this extent?