TNZKMA 122

１２２

 

 

[You really are such an idiot.]

Mom’s exasperated voice came down. I wondered where Mom’s tree had its mouth.

Looking up in a daze, leaves started to fall, fluttering down together with her voice.

[When I got pregnant with you, everyone told me to abort. My dad and mom, Masaya’s uncle and aunt, friends, older brothers, and teachers all said the same thing—abort, abort. Even the doctors said so. They said there’s no way I could raise a child like you. They said, what’s the point of a fool having a child?]

I had heard that story from Grandma. Both Mom’s and Dad’s grandmothers had repeated it many times. They said if my parents had followed what they had advised back then, they might have had a better life. Every time, I felt bad for being born.

[When I had you, I was 17. And when you were born, I was 18. Masaya was the same age, and we were both in high school. It was a school for idiots. It wasn’t unusual to be expelled or suspended, but I was the first to get pregnant. So the school made a big fuss. But honestly, I think there were others like me. They just secretly had abortions.]

Mom chuckled. When she laughed, the leaves shook.

[Mom, why did you have me?]

[Even you’re asking that? Why did I have you? It’s obvious. Because I wanted to.]

Mom said it firmly.

[When I found out I was pregnant, to be honest, I thought, ‘Oh no, what a problem.’ Masaya was panicking too. Everyone was telling me to abort, and I went to the hospital many times thinking I should. Masaya came with me, even at night, and we even made an appointment for the surgery. But no matter what, I couldn’t go through with it. Because… I wanted to meet you.]

The branches swayed gently, even though there was no wind.

[When you were born, I was incredibly happy. I finally got to meet you. You looked like a little monkey, but I thought you were cute with all your squirming. Masaya even bought you gloves when you were just born. ‘A boy! Alright! Let’s play baseball!’ he said.]

I hadn’t known that.

[I was so happy. I wanted to make you incredibly happy… though you might not believe that.]

Mom said this with a slightly sullen voice.

[After you were born, everyone kept saying it was no good, no good. This way won’t work. You have to do it like this. And then they were just waiting for us to fail. When we did fail, they’d say, ‘I told you so,’ laughing happily at our failure and taking you away.]

I had met Grandma and Grandpa only until I entered elementary school. Around the time I started elementary school, we moved. After that move, I didn’t see Grandma and Grandpa anymore.

[We tried to make a go of it just with you and Masaya, running away like we were fleeing in the night. We planned to go somewhere no one knew, and live happily just as a family. But… it was just as my mother said. I was foolish, hopelessly foolish, and I ended up killing you…]

Mom started to cry loudly, and leaves fell in a shower. Hearing Mom’s childlike wails, I found myself crying as well.

We cried together, then calmed down, and I sat back against Mom’s tree, lost in thought. Then, I asked a question that had been on my mind for a long time.

[What happened to you after, well, after we were separated?]

[I killed you and ran away with Masaya. I wonder why we always went north when we were fleeing. We escaped to a place with lots of snow. But I could never forget you. You kept appearing in my dreams. For some reason, a five-year-old version of you would show up in my dreams, always saying the same thing. ‘Mommy, I’m hungry.’ You’d say that while crying, and I’d wake up in the middle of the night, rush to cook rice, and make rice balls for you.]

Mom gave a small, wistful smile.

[When I did that, Masaya looked at me in surprise. But then he started making rice balls with me. We’d cook rice all night, make rice balls, and by morning, we’d have dozens of them. It was really overwhelming. What were we going to do with all those rice balls? It seemed wasteful to throw them away, so the street in front of our house was a school route. I’d catch elementary school students and ask if they wanted rice balls. They’d be scared and say, ‘The rice ball ghost is coming!’ We’d get complaints from the school, parents yelling at us, it was a real mess.]

[…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to appear in your dreams, but I caused you trouble, didn’t I?]

[It’s not your fault. Even though people were scared, there were siblings. An older brother and a younger brother, and later I found out, a little sister too. They would eat the rice balls. They were always hungry, even when school was about to start, they’d gobble them up. Eventually, the younger brother brought his little sister, and the older brother would say, ‘Eat and then go home.’ The younger brother looked just like you.]

[Mom’s rice balls are the best in the world! I wanted to eat more.]

[…You only had them once. I tried to make up for you. I’d sit at the entrance with the rice ball plate around the time school started and ended, lost in thought.]

She chuckled, and the leaves swayed again.

[Eventually, you stopped appearing in my dreams. Even when I begged you to come, you didn’t. I figured you must really hate me, so you probably didn’t want to see me.]

[That’s not true! I don’t hate you, Mom!]

I almost said I loved her but quickly closed my mouth. It’d probably be weird for her if I said that.

[You stopped appearing in my dreams, I stopped waking up in the middle of the night, and I stopped making rice balls. The kids stopped coming too… Then, when Masaya and I were feeling a bit lonely, two unknown men and a woman came to the house. They stood together in the narrow entrance. I was wondering who they were, and suddenly, they started crying and shouting, ‘Thank you so much!’ I was surprised. They were the rice ball siblings.]

[Three siblings?]

[Yes, those three. They had grown up by then. The older brother said that they had survived thanks to my rice balls. Their house was similar to ours, with no one cooking or washing clothes, and they were often beaten. They were always hungry, so they were really grateful for my rice balls… I was just making them because I was scared of your ghost.]

[You did a good thing, Mom.]

I said this softly, gently touching Mom’s tree. Mom didn’t say anything, just let the leaves fall.

[Masaya and I talked about how we weren’t the kind of people who deserved the thanks of those kids. So we decided to go back.]

[To where?]

[To the place where we buried you.]

I hadn’t known that Mom and Dad had come. I looked up at her in surprise.

[But really, we were so foolish. Neither Masaya nor I had any idea where we buried you.]

[…It couldn’t be helped. It was night, and mountains all look the same.]

People who don’t go into the mountains wouldn’t notice the subtle differences. I only knew because I used to go on adventures. Mom sighed tiredly.

[We were both stupid and cowardly. We never went to the police. If we had just told them, ‘We buried our child,’ they might have helped us find you. Instead, we kept running away, and even after we came looking for you, we kept running. Masaya and I dug around at night trying to find you… But we never did.]

I wondered who had found me. But it was a fortunate timing, and that’s how I met Saine.

[We lived in the same town again. The place where we lived with you, the apartment complex is gone now, so we lived in another apartment. We saved up money and bought a mountain, though just a little bit of it.]

[You bought a mountain!? That’s amazing!]

[It’s not that amazing. It was incredibly cheap compared to buying land for a house. We didn’t know where you were buried, but we bought a place around here and planted flowers and trees. Not just any trees, but beautiful ones. Not like these trees that don’t even bloom, but trees that have flowers and fruits.]

As she said this, Mom shook her branches.

 

TN: Sorry for the delay, it said “Missed schedule”. :'(