TNZKMA 21

２１

Saine was eating when I returned to the house. I noticed it there. That I did not prepare dinner and forgot to buy the ingredients.

 

[I’m sorry…… Even though we have to save money……]

 

When I apologized, he denoted me with his chin for me to take a seat on the chair.

 

[There’s no need to apologize for every single thing. It’s irritating.]

 

My shoulders jumped when he told me so.

 

[You’re so noisy about money. I am not that useless. At least, buying a meal is nothing.]

 

There is also a serving in front of me. Saine went to buy dinner.

 

[But, aren’t you going to get a ceremony? Doesn’t it need money?]

[It’s fine either way. I can just work again.]

[There is no trouble in having a lot of gold. Even after the Ceremony, isn’t there still the living expenses?]

 

When I said that, Saine slapped his chopsticks on the table and said,

 

[That’s enough! I will decide for myself. Don’t meddle in!]

 

Affected by his sudden anger, my heart pounded.

I screwed up. Even though I intended to be careful, I stepped on a landmine.

 

[Sorry!]

 

I move alongside the wall in a panic. The place farthest from Saine.

 

[I, said too much. I didn’t mean that you’re worthless. I’m sorry, it’s my fault.]

 

The wall is hard. The room is small. Because I ran away towards the kitchen, the door is far. Both doors are on the other side of Saine. They’re too far.

 

[Uh, uhm, I may be useless, but, I was thinking if I could at least help with something, so…… I wondered if it would be helpful for you if I saved even just 1 ale.]

 

My voice gets lower and lower.

It’s useless, I will be scolded again at this rate. He just told me earlier, after all. That I was too noisy about gold. I look like a miser trying not to squander money. 

Saine doesn’t like that.

I tearfully clench my teeth. I thought that I did great, but I failed in the end. I’m always like this. I was in a dark hole, holding my knees in my arms. Although it feels weird, that’s how I felt.

Saine’s steps enter my field of view while my head is still lowered. Towards the man standing in front of me, I tightly closed my eyes and endured.

I’ll be hit. I’ll get kicked. I press my hands that I want to cover my head on the wall behind me. I must not evade or cover myself with my hands when I get hit. I have to let him hit me properly or another one will come. I have to let him hit me, it will be done only once if he successfully does it. (TN: This hurts my heart. T0T)

I tightly shut my eyes and clench my teeth. I protect my eyes and make sure not to bite my tongue. I put strength into my stomach to protect my insides. I tighten my entire body and mobilize my muscles to block. With this, I might be able to protect my bones and internal organs.

 

However, even though I firmly bore with it and waited, the impact never came no matter how long I waited. When I slightly open one of my eyes to look, Saine is still in front of me. But, he’s not doing anything.

When I looked up with my neck drawn back like a turtle, Saine was looking at me with indescribable eyes. It’s as if he’s pitying me.

 

[You’re such a servile guy.]

 

Saine said that and left the room.

 

 

I wasn’t hit. I wasn’t yelled at. I got scolded, but other than that, it feels like I was disdained.

Whether it’s disdain or contempt, I wonder if those things are fine? I ask myself.

It’s such a bother that I don’t have my memories of my previous life. How did I live before? How can I do it well?

It seems that even if my brain doesn’t remember it, my body recalls it sometimes. That’s why there are times when my body reacts on its own. Daily things like washing my face, sleeping in the futon, and going to the toilet, my body remembers such things without any inconvenience, But aside from those, there’s nothing else.

Because I don’t have my previous memory, I’m troubled determining if this situation is weird or alright. Although stumped on judging, I understood that I did fail.

 

I will be in this place until Saine sells me. Saine is the landlord and my owner. I want to be useful to him. Saine might be gentle to me if he finds me useful.

I thought that he would praise me if I saved some gold, but I was wrong. So then, what is it? What should I do next?

While I was deep in thoughts, my body moved by itself. My body and head often does things separately. It’s like my mind vanishes, leaving just my eyes and body to function by themselves.

The door comes into view and I open it with my hand. I exit the corridor and go to the garden. I put the firewood in the bath’s kindling place. I draw water from the well and store it in the water heater and light it with the flint and boil the bath.

 

[Eat your food.]

 

As I was intently watching the firewood burn, Saine was standing behind me.

Food… Saine ate his meal. Next is the bath. Eat his meal, get in the bath, sleep. This is Saine’s course. 

 

[B, bath…]

[Bath?]

[I think the bath water has boiled. I will pour it in.]

 

My face heated up as I was staring at the fire.

Will it be easier if I plunge my head in here? I was thinking that my absent head would return. Even though I just thought that, my body moved. The moment I thought, ‘Hot.’, my shoulder was grabbed with a strong force. In that manner, my arm was grabbed and I was lifted up.

Saine took me to the house without saying anything. He made me sit on the chain in the kitchen and brought the food to my mouth. 

 

[Eat.]

 

I thought my head was back, but it went somewhere else again. Only my body reacts to the words I hear and things I see.

I ate the food that was offered to me. Whether I was hungry or if it was delicious, I simply ate without feeling those things.

 

Saine stood before me until I finished eating. While looking at the shoes of Saine who was standing in front of me, I continued to eat the food that I couldn’t taste.